Today wasn't so bad. When I think of all the bad days I've had in the last 6 years this one would actually rank up there as one of the good ones. Mack was giggly and cute - chased after her sister and generally was in a good mood.

I did have a marathon call with my mom. I really got an earfull because I hadn't talked to her in a week and a half and she wasn't sleeping. All the not knowing has really been difficult for her. She's a fixer, I'm a go with the flow -er. I had to report to her, that again, more genetic testing to find a diagnoses came back with absolutely no answers. And, in fact everything came back normal. (how could this all be normal? I guess I have just redefined normal for myself - my mom can not!) In an effort to keep her happy I reported that we had seen the behavior specialist, have an appointment with another specialist in two weeks and generally are still moving - not sure what direction to go in anymore - but moving. She feels better by the end of the conversation and hangs up satisfied that she had accomplished something. At least, she'll sleep.

I feel defeated. After a conversation with mom I always feel like there just aren't any solutions. I'm am thankful that we aren't dealing with serious life threatening and devastating illnesses. The most frustrating part is losing myself in this. Not feeling the freedom I should to live and enjoy. Bogged down by social security paperwork, applications for various services - don't get me wrong I LOVE the services we have I just wish it didn't take so much work to get them all. I actually put Mack's birthday down on my OB/GYN paperwork - I'm so programmed to fill out everything for her - I don't even remember my own DOB.

I guess at the end of the day all that really matters is...today was one of the good ones.