How do you know you've made the right one?

I haven't added to this blog in awhile. I have been struggling to wrap my head around the newest challenge Kenzie has to face. It had been determined that it is time to either do something, or do nothing, about her severe scoliosis. Doing something means an anterior/posterior spinal fusion. Her entire spine is effected in an s-shaped curve.

I have known that somewhere down the road surgery would be a possibility. Knowing it was still down the road gave me the ability to deal with it. When confronted with the future... keeping my emotions in check is a constant battle. I found myself standing in the middle of Target the other day tears welling up in my eyes and had to run out of the store before I absolutely burst into seizure-like sobs.

The simple question that rolls around in my mind is this: Will this insanely invasive surgery really, REALLY improve her quality of life?

Along with that are the questions of actually surviving the surgery, will the surgery end up causing her more pain in her future. How will it feel to be maybe 5 ft. tall for the rest of your life. The surgery will end any additional growth in her trunk. (She's only 8, she has a lot of growing to do still!!) Why in the world would I voluntarily put my baby through this?

This is by far the worst part of the job of Mom. Making the decision to do it or not to do it. Like I said at the beginning I'm still trying to wrap my head around the shock, get my emotions in check and then throw myself into the research phase. Just like the 7 stages of grief, there always seems to be stages when confronted with these overwhelming decisions. Without the input of Kenzie I feel like I'm out there just hoping I'm making the right one for her.